Masturbation: The National Sport Nobody Owns Up To

If there’s a discipline where France boasts even more participants than soccer, pétanque, and complaining combined, it’s this one. Everyone is in the game. No one has a license. Ask around: all you’ll find are abstainers, sages, monks. Not at all.

At Sunday dinner, we’re quick to talk about cholesterol, taxes, even our digestion. But mention “the one-handed widow” between cheese and dessert, and you’ll see Uncle Bernard suddenly take a deep interest in the tablecloth.

So let’s talk about it, since no one else does. The numbers, the myths, the benefits. And the only real danger involved, which has nothing to do with your ears.

The Numbers, or The Fine Art of Lying to Your Neighbor

93% of men and 73% of women. That’s the proportion of French people who admit to having indulged, according to a 2023 survey of over 31,000 people (Statista). And those are just the ones who admit it. I suspect the remaining 7% are lying to the researchers too.

Among women, the increase is remarkable: 42% in 1992. No, ladies, you didn’t just discover it in the last thirty years. You’ve just stopped pretending.

As for frequency, half of men do it at least once a week, compared to 14% of women (Ifop). And 42% of men in relationships keep up their weekly practice. Ladies, don’t take it personally—it’s not betrayal, it’s maintenance.

But the stat I find most charming: only 20% of women have ever talked about it with friends, and 6% with family or their doctor (La Libre). Everybody does it, nobody says a word. That’s called an open secret, and I bet even Pulcinella had a search history.

The Benefits, or Why Your Doctor Should Prescribe It

The over-the-counter sleeping pill. Orgasms release oxytocin and prolactin, two hormones that’ll knock you out more efficiently than any herbal tea. No wonder nighttime is prime time.

The zero-dollar anti-stress. Endorphins bring the pressure down. Cheaper than yoga, and nobody forces you to buy a mat.

Your prostate says thanks. A Harvard study published in 2016 in European Urology followed over 30,000 men for nearly twenty years. Those with 21 ejaculations per month had about a 20% lower risk of prostate cancer compared to the more restrained. I’m not giving you a goal here, just stating the facts.

Your own painkiller. For some women, orgasms relieve menstrual cramps and some headaches. The old “not tonight, I have a headache” excuse has just lost a bit of credibility.

The dress rehearsal. Knowing what you like is the bare minimum before explaining it to someone else. You don’t get on stage without a little practice first.

The Real Danger Isn’t to Your Ears

Masturbation won’t make you deaf. But it can make you very, very red in the face.

You know the drill. One night, you forget to use private browsing. Next day, your better half borrows your laptop to check the weather, types a letter into the address bar, and Chrome, that helpful snitch, kindly suggests your viewing schedule from the night before. Silence. Stares. “We need to talk.”

And don’t tell me about deleting everything. An empty search history is as good as a signed confession. Nobody has an empty browsing history, NOBODY. That’s like whistling, hands in your pockets, next to a broken window.

The only respectable method is surgery. Either do it manually, by following our guide to erasing racy sites from your Chrome history. Or let WasntMe handle the dirty work: the extension detects adult sites and explicit searches, and deletes just those. Pages, searches, cookies, thumbnails, all gone. Your lasagna recipes and cat videos, untouched.

Free, no account required, and nothing ever leaves your browser. What happens in your browser stays in your browser.